It's been a while, and again, I don't post as frequently as I wanted to... Even that my last post had been not recent but it looks like I've been absent for several months due to the stresses going on in my life. Maybe I dedicate this post to myself, to show you that it doesn't take only the talent and will to pursue an Art career. I had to deal with many issues, one of them being the breakdown I had early this year.
I actually never thought of what to pursue in life, I know I wanted to draw, since I was nearly capable enough to hold a pencil when I was little, I've always wanted to do something that includes drawing for the rest of my life. Seems easy by only saying this. But what I wasn't prepared during my journey of becoming an Artist since an early age, was the fact that I come from an Old-fashioned and very strict family. Some of those who may read this post might disagree with me. Although my family, seems a great family ( and despite of all I've been through, they really are) but they never support my dreams. Its funny whenever I see my artist' idols (most of them are auto didacted), I usually take their advice from their own experiences, since what they have been through, to similar experiences, since financial problems, working their way out to improve their skills, but most of them have support of family and friends. Something that is pratically unknown to me. Family support. I could write about my whole life experiences ( which I wont, it will take ages) and how many times I've been bullied by my own family, and seeked support on friends, even though most of them aren't part of my life anymore, I never hold a grudge on them. They were essential on that time in life, they were very precious, they were there for me, and that's what matters.
Why am I saying things such as this? Because they've always delayed my improvement, and I just admitted this recently. There wasn't anything wrong about me, about why I can't focus on my career, by simply drawing, by simply working my ass off to improve it and I really have the urge to succeed in this goal. But I have never been capable of that.
I still live with my parents, because as you can see, we have lots of financial problems, and they never, NEVER could afford college for me. Even though they insisted along the way, no matter what I need to take a college degree since I graduated from high school. Ok, there's nothing wrong with that, they always wanted my best but they couldn't help me unfortunately. I've always needed to work to pay my own tuitions, I dropped college several times due to the fact that I don't have the money to keep going. And yes, I've always thought and still think that I don't need a college degree to succeed in my life, but I actually like being in college, which I was granted enough to enter on my first choice preference, College of Fine-Arts in Lisbon, to take Multimedia and Arts and Animation degree. And I just chose Animation because of the lack of choice I had during that time. Pratically was kinda like this " hmm, lets see, oh, the best Fine-Arts college to date, and this degree will surely demand to draw a lot! wow, perfect!" Nowadays I see some other courses, naming the Drawing Course on the same college, and it almost make me shed a tear of disappointment from not having that kind of choice back in my time and pisses me off.
Back on the subject, so why did I insist to take a college degree? not to mention the family pressure, my older sister had her college degree, and my parents live and still live from the illusion that a college degree might get me somewhere and rich ( simple as that). So, as stupid as it may sound, they always got disappointed with me whenever I dropped out of college and decided to work in such places like fast foods, on factories, and cleaning etc.I needed to pay my tuition to move on with my life, because I was pressured into that, and forced to believe I won't be able to do anything else without a friggin college degree. I just wanted to draw. If it takes a fucking College degree to prove that, ok then, I will take the college degree if that what it takes to leave me alone. But along the way, I was still drawing... whenever I was capable of, and many opportunites came along the way, and until then I can tell that I have much more life and Art experience than most graduated Art students from my generation. Something that I might write some other time. I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression, I did learn some valuable stuff in college. Actually, my very first year of college I got to learn about digital Art, but not from the college but from my colleague that time and great friend that with relief, since then I hold dearly. So, you see, this is just a tip of the iceberg.
Nowadays, I'm taking my driver's license, yet again, I had to work and pay for it, and pretty much all the things I wanted, such as, my kickass Imac and the Cintiq. Of course I'm still grateful that I still have a home, and food and all. But that needs to end. As soon I take my driver's license I'm outta here. I was supposed to leave home a long time ago. But there, I wanted to go to college, my parents wanted me to go to college, and I had to stay. And as always, since I was a kid, I've always wanted them to be proud of me. So I stayed. But now, Fuck this shit. After my depression this year, I was able to finally say "fuck college, I won't need and never needed it in the first place" but of course, my parents won't ever be able to understand that. Probably they think I'm going to end up on the streets, drawing for food ( No, not prostituition... yet. Kidding! ). But what if it's only this that makes me happy? Supposedly they should've been satisfied in whatever choice I'd make in my like if that's what makes me happy ( well, actually it's what I really want them to think, generally speaking) Come to think about it, I never got pleased of what society usually didactes to people, about their own vision of happiness. Usually, the established standard definition of their happiness is: "Study, get a degree, get married, work and have children." I don't blame and criticize anyone who thinks this is the real way of life. I just have some other plans for myself. That's all. And now try explain THAT to my strict family.
I was born here in Portugal, but the timorese blood runs through my veins, and I say it proudly because I had the opportunity to visit my home country ( which is important to mention, I never bought my way to Timor, I've earned that trip because of my Artworks.. isn't it ironic...). My parents were Refugees back in the time when Indonesia invaded East Timor and they fled to Portugal ( and bla bla Google is your best friend) so yeah, you can tell why they insist on our educations. I have two sisters, Dulce And Jessica. I'm the middle child. I'm Bruna (my real name ) in the Middle.
I'm just born this way. Still don't know if I'm on the right track, baby (Lady Gaga bit lol). But what does matter is that I know what I want for my life. I want to draw for the rest of my life which means that could be plenty of things. Could be tattooing, Concept Art, Illustration, Painting, comics... whatever involves Drawing and some other things ( that I will mention later, this entry is getting friggin big ) And this was a glimpse I gave you about one of the reasons why, I could never got focused on this purpose in my life, entirely.
Don't ever get me wrong. I really love my parents, I understand, and I always had to convince myself that I have to understand them despite the fact they don't give a damn about my dreams and what really makes me happy . They simply don't understand. And it's ok. My entire life was mostly to make them proud of me. But that took several periods of me doing nothing about my own career. I've put my dream aside of becoming an Artist to earn their love and their pride. But now that's ok. I don't need it. I have the support of my friends and some fans that come along the way and I'm perfectly fine with it. Hell, even if I have to count only on the unconditional support from my lovely boyfriend.
I will still carry on. With or without family support. Or in the worst case scenario... Alone.
Sorry for not showing any drawings at all and to bore you with this. It's one of those days.
Perhaps, someday I will make a "draw my life" video, like most youtubers did of themselves which is drawing their path in life since they were born . So fun to watch. And then I can express myself better through drawing than writing. OBVIOUSLY.